


happy

by whaleing



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Eating Disorder, F/F, F/M, Happy Ending, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:07:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28514685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whaleing/pseuds/whaleing
Summary: in which emily's childhood affected her more than she let on.TW// eating disorders, hospitals
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Emily Prentiss, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 6
Kudos: 83





	happy

emily can remember the day she first hated herself clearly. she was eight and was having her measurements taken for a dress. she’d been so excited, looking forward to twirling around for her daddy as they danced together. her mother and the tailor had been discussing ideas for her dress and the little girl had zoned out, until she felt her face flush over and she became highly uncomfortable. 

“she’s a bit round about the middle,” the tailor had stated sharing a look with the ambassador.   
her mother shook her head. “emily i’ve told you, no more rubbish. you want to look pretty don’t you?”   
emily had nodded and hung her head in shame, not looking up until she got home.   
she immediately ran to her bedroom and looked at herself in the mirror, pinching at the fat on her body. 

that night at dinner the girl had pushed her food around with her fork before declaring that she wasn’t hungry. her mother nodded at her and emily felt pride rise within her, but her father looked at his little girl with worry. he dreaded the road that she could end up down. 

by the time she was fourteen, she was basically starving herself, her father had left shortly after her ninth birthday where she had refused all cake repeating the mantra her mother had taught her; a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. he couldn’t bear to watch her destroy herself, so he just packed his bags and went on his way, never looking back. 

when she got pregnant at fifteen, it broke her. she could see every ounce of fat on her body appear day by day. matthew took her to the doctor when she shut him out, after refusing food for three days. but even once the baby was gone, she could still feel the bulges around her stomach, the repulsiveness of them slowly killing her. 

she was first admitted to hospital when she fainted in class after not eating for a week. she had cried and pulled her trembling hands closer to her chest. she was sick, she always knew it but now it was confirmed. her mother didn’t even bother to visit, and she stayed by herself for two weeks being forced the calories she feared and losing herself over and over again.

she began to get better slowly and started to love herself again. it was hard for her and she struggled, crying silently as she ate a bite of the cake for her sweet sixteen. it began with small bites, one every few minutes, but then it became one after the other, until the plate was empty, and tears streamed down her face. she could feel the guilt in her stomach manifesting and she wanted it gone. running past her mother’s office and ignoring the concerned glances of the staff, she made it to her bathroom and hastily locked the door, before pushing her fingers to the back of her throat heaving over the toilet. when she was done, she slid against the wall and pulled her knees up to her chest, burying her forehead between them. half an hour later she shakily stood up, turning to face her mirror, facing the pale, bony, mascara streaked girl whose life was falling apart.

when she gets into the BAU, she’s ecstatic and her life has never been better, everything’s going to plan, she’s not spoken to her mother in years and she feels lighter, free. she makes friends with team and goes out for drinks with morgan and has girls nights with jj and garcia. for the first time in years, she hasn’t thought about the size of her waist or the number of calories she consumes in one day. she can freely go out for meals with her team without slinking off to the bathroom to throw it back up again. she should’ve expected it really, her life had been steady for too long, and so she wasn’t shocked when it all crashed backed down. her mother was in the office. where she worked, demanding to speak to her. 

the team watch her, see her openly flinch as her mother walks over to her. they see how emily’s head droops to her chest as her mother says something. they don’t know what was said, but they know it was bad. they watch as she goes downhill, retreating into herself, cutting her food up into tiny pieces before going to the bathroom after every meal. then it gets worse when she makes excuses to not hang out with them, choosing to do almost anything else so she could get away with not eating. 

it's not until the case in colorado that they realise their mistake in not confronting her. when she escapes the compound she barely makes it five feet before she collapses. hotch can feel his heart in his chest as he pulls her into his chest, noting how light she is. he carries her to the ambulance and watches as the paramedics share a glance, putting her on an IV drip before talking in hushed whispers as they take her blood pressure. she wakes up a few hours later surrounded by the team and she knows the gig is up. 

“how long?” garcia asks, leaning over and taking her hand.   
emily takes a deep breath, feeling a huge lump in her throat as tears quietly spring to her eyes.   
“um, since i was eight.”   
she can feel the team look at her in shock, and she fiddles with her fingers avoiding eye contact as much as she can.   
“why em?” jj questions softly, taking a seat on the edge of the bed before bringing the tearful brunette into her arms.   
she doesn’t answer, she knows they already know, and she just nods confirming what they feared to believe. she should’ve seen it coming, they’re profilers for heaven’s sake, she’s just shocked they didn’t realise sooner. 

she’s shocked at how much the team cares and looks after her once her doctor clears her to go back to work. garcia makes sure to eat lunch with emily every day, and when she’s on cases, hires morgan to take over that responsibility. jj bakes her cookies and banana bread and offers a shoulder to cry on. reid sees foreign films with her and makes sure she stays hydrated throughout the day, whilst rossi cooks her his authentic italian dishes and bringing her leftovers when she’s had a bad day. he doesn’t take credit for it, but emily knows that hotch is responsible for forming a wall between her and her mother. she thanks him one evening, as they head home, and he just shakes his head and tells her “it was nothing.” she blushes as a small yawn escapes her and she drops her head onto his shoulder. he looks at her with shock written over his face before a small smile creeps onto his face and he wraps his arm around her and shuts his eyes. jj and rossi glance at each other as they watch it unfold. 

a few years ago, if you had told emily that she would have a family and be happy she would’ve said that you were insane, that she was unlovable. but as she raised a glass with her family and laughed and danced with derek and garcia she realised she was happy, and she deserved to be.


End file.
